Consider a hiking hat.

A hiking hat is an object that covers the head, more or less. It keeps the sun out of your eyes and the hair out of your face. It keeps 5% of your body heat from escaping and protects your part from sunburn. It is also a good place to carry feathers, headbands, notes to your girlfriends, fleas, safety pins, and trail markers. It can be used to hit people, to scoop water up in, to hold rocks, as a table, to fan a campfire, to fan yourself, as a Frisbee, or to plant ivy in. It can be made of straw, plastic, felt, paisley corduroy, wool, canvas or old newspapers. It can be cowboy, mod, bush Australian, French, Swiss, Dutch or Cossack.

To keep a hat on you can tie on with string, keep it jammed down over your ears, pit in it your collar, glue it on, stick it in your pocket, or hike where there is no wind and/or people to snatch it. A hat can lead to jolly companionship and fun games like “see how long the hat will sit on the fire before it catches”, or “see how long the hat will stay in the river before it sinks”, or “see how long we can keep the hat before the owner decapitates us”. People have been known to become so attached to hats that they will scale cliffs to recover them, walk ten miles with both hands on their head to avoid losing them, and kick people in the Cheetos to keep them from being stolen.

If you happen to buy a new hat, you must first break it in before you take it on a hike, else it be broken in for you. To do this it is advisable that you step on it a few times, drag it for five miles behind your vehicle, soak it in a muddy river, bury it in the dirt, singe it in at least three places, knock it out of any shape it make have fool heartedly once held, and stick a feather in it. Shooting a few holes in it is acceptable, but must not be overdone lest you attract target practice while it still resides on your head.

A hat should ideally not be bought, but found in a ditch, at the side of the road, on top of the Peaks, or on someone else. In extreme cases one may be purchased at Goodwill.

Hats are useful for prestige, for keeping rain off your roof, for protecting your head in caves, for making people mistake you for a hippy, and for throwing into the air in moments of exultation. They can be thrown into a ring, eaten, tipped, or pulled down over your eyes so you can sleep during meetings. A hat can be love, beauty, and truth. A hat can be the ultimate trip. So don’t just sit there, let a hat be your guru. Discover the wonderful world of hats.